I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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