i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
