Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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