somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
