Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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