thus making me awesome and them whores
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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