It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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