I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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