im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
