I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
