The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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