I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
