He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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