If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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