i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
