Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
