I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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