he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
