I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
