ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I am available for nakedness
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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