i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
