so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
