i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
