sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
