Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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