Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
