He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
