What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
