Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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