Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We are two peas in an std pod
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Drake has all the answers
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
