at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
