The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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