It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize