I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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