I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
