Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
