The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
