i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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