i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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