i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize