When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
