I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
