I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i drank out of a bidet.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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