Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
