he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
