The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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