My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
