I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
