then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
