I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
