xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
