look no pants
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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