My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
