can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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