I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
