I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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