Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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