Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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