just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
