Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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