New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
