i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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